Letting Go and Saying No

Sometimes if things aren't going your way or you feel uncomfortable you just have to say "no, no more, stop" and walk away. Following your feelings and intuition when you feel compromised is up to you, you have the right be treated well and demand it. Some people are just not capable of giving you what you need, anymore people are innately selfish and entitled without putting the effort in "Me, me, me". They will use and abuse until they suck you dry. You have to stick to your guns and walk away, those people aren't worth it, wasted time and space. Ask yourself what is in it for me, would this person turn around and do that for you which they are asking of you?

Vicious Cycles

Remember where you invest your heart is where you invest your life, constantly doing the same thing is going to give you the same results. If you want love let someone earn it, sex does not equal love and kiss aren't contracts. Constantly seeking the same type of person who has always disappointed you is like a self inflicted wound. Step off the vicious cycle treadmill and make sure you're investing yourself in emotionally available people who are worthy and reciprocal. You shouldn't have to play mind games, chase them or force yourself into their life, people who want you will prove it and earn it. Let them chase you, respect you, and make sure you are looking for the same things prior to emotionally investing yourself into someone who is just an empty vessel unable to be fulfilled. If they are making you an option, you need to definitely keep your options open when they are. Don't invest yourself into someone who is not investing themselves into you. Remember you're worth it don't lower yourself for anyone, ever, your not desperate. If you want to be treated right make sure their actions are speaking the truth, actions speak louder than words; it will save you from wasted time and heartache.

The Love of Fear

Fear shapes us and changes us, holds us back from being who we really want to be. Fear of love. Fear of judgment. Fear of being alone, or being with someone who can and could crush us. We are all shaped and molded by the things we allow ourselves to fear. I read a line about relationships how each of us come together with fear in our hearts, even if there is hope, there will always be an overshadow of fear. I am “Fearful that we’ll stop playing in the lines of one another's stories.” Relationships are the hardest and most beautiful things we can subject ourselves to, possibly the most painful and/or euphoric. Unlike any relationship love relationships are the most complicated, calculated, and sometimes conditional. You open your heart to love, to someone, and you become vulnerable to that love and that person. In love you can go one day from complete and utter infatuation to never having them in your life again, simple as that poof they're gone. Some people try to control it or run from it, and some lucky few flourish in it. The strange thing about loving someone is you can never truly see their intentions and into their hearts, which is the basis of all the fear. We must learn to have blind trust or love will eventually slip through our fingers like grains of sand. We must learn to shed the fear, dance in the darkness, allow ourselves to love and to be loved fully and know that having that fear is what makes it so beautiful and wondrous.

To Deny Your Feelings is to Deny the Truth

It is ok to feel and to have sadness and emotions, it's what makes you human. Don't apologize for expressing your feelings whatever they may be. You are entitled to express yourself and if anyone doesn't like it then they aren't worthy of your authentic self. Don't deny who you are or repress your feelings, be yourself and own it. Own all the good, bad, and ugly you are who you are. The people who are meant to be in your life will not judge you but embrace you, the other's don't mean anything and will fall to the wayside. Always stand true, you are all you have, embrace it own it, love yourself with all your complexities, emotions, and feelings. You are unique like a rare gem, nothing can compare to your true self.

Chaos, Infatuation, and the Roller Coaster of Love

Often times we equate love with these emotional highs and lows. We get so used to the chaos and those brink of the edge feelings we don't even recognize that's not what love is supposed to feel like. Then when we get into something stable and healthy we get bored and sabotage it. Recreating that cycle of roller coaster emotions. The only way to stop this is to live consciously in the moment. Is being upset and feeling lonely because the person you are with is not giving you the proper attention, love? No, what you are feeling is despair and hopelessness, and clinging to any shred of attention so when you get it you feel elated and euphoric. Why are you allowing someone to disregard you making you an option, so they can pull you down from the shelf when they feel so inclined? Stop. You are all you need. No one is going to fill your voids until you do. Once you have mastered the ability to have and maintain boundaries and know that having expectations and standards is ok, you will never be happy. People who want to use you will find you and manipulate your weaknesses like a hacker they will find those holes and exploit them. You must stick to your guns, your boundaries, what you will and won't allow. Establish a list of non-negotiables and stick to it. If someone loves you and truly cares they won't give you an emotional ride they will nurture what they find special in you and promote the positive, not exploit your weaknesses and insecurities. Love is not misery, it is not supposed to hurt. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who leaves you feeling lonely. All you ever needed was you, take care to take care of yourself first, foremost, and always.

Instant Gratification

In this world of instant gratification we have become whiny little needy babies who want it ALL NOW! When we don't get our way we bitch and moan like we are entitled without putting any effort in whatsoever. Learning to control these urges and not be controlled by them is a great way to free yourself from the confines of wanting it NOW. Put your phones away, log off the internet, unplug for a day, let your self truly relax and unwind. It is hard to fully relax and unwind, to even control our racing minds, but we must learn control and to not be obsessed with the feelings of instant gratification. If you want to learn self-control and a will this is where to start. Turn off your mind, meditate, enjoy the simple riches of life and nature, simply breathe, relax your tenses, unplug and let goooo...

Your Ruin was Thinking I Needed You

Your ruin was thinking I needed you so you could disrespected me, lie to my face, cheat, and steal. I never needed you and I especially never deserved to be treated like that, so don’t be surprised that I left you at a drop of a dime; cause you ain’t worth the money or the time. I never needed you, I needed me and now I have myself back, and you can't take that away.

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon or from some person.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

 Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is yourself.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness and acceptance.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into being in the first place.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for the next fix or big thing that you already have all you really need. It feels better to give than to receive.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

That you don’t need lots of people in your life simply to have them in your life, that quality over quantity is what counts.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. Sometimes things just don’t work and you have to simply just let go of the strings attached.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn not to doubt your instincts but not to completely rely on them either.

You take more time to laugh and to play and not take life too seriously. To find peace in the quiet and harmony in the simple meanderings of day to day life.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life by your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges and break down walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and confronted or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you, blocking true true happiness.

You ignore negative speaking and gossip, minding your words with compassion and kindness.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, with a cup of cocoa, a snuggly blanket, and a good book, realizing life is good.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can out of whatever pieces you have at hand.

(Author unknown)

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927

Rules for the Road

1.      Try not to attract narcissists or users, spot them by their RED FLAGS and run the other way.

2.      Do not pay for everything, if they are assuming you are paying definitely don’t. Ask politely if they would mind splitting the cost (groceries, utilities)? Make sure to ask upfront, don’t assume they can afford it, and if they can’t that is their own problem not yours. If you kept paying into stocks that weren’t paying out would you keep investing? Don’t continue to pay or you will only resent them and feel used.

3.      Intimate relationships don’t define you or complete you, you never needed anyone but yourself, look at where you got you. Feel good about where you are in your career and life, you have worked hard to get where you are.

4.      Do not have intimate relations with anyone until you know them, after at least a few months, write down their pros and cons, focus on any RED FLAGS, and decide if it is worth pursuing long term. Don’t settle.

5.       Judge a person by their actions not their words, especially men. If he is interested he will pursue you and not just for sex and when it is convenient. Don’t be anyone’s option, make yourself a priority instead.

6.       Forget bad people, don’t allow people who are not worth your time to take up space in your brain.

7.       Boundaries and non-negotiables are held up with action not passively overlooking things, fighting, or talking about it. Obviously they are ok with said behavior otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it. If they fail to take responsibility and own their behavior after you have expressed your concerns and they do not see any reason to change or even acknowledge your feelings. Only you can enable it and allow it to persist. It is not up to you to change them; you cannot control anyone else’s behaviors only your own. Only you can allow yourself to be subjected to their treatment or GTFO. Don’t enable disrespect or deviations from your expectations and boundaries; you have a right to your feelings do not deny them for others to perpetually damage yourself. Do onto yourself as you would do onto others.

8.      Do not allow anyone to live with you until you are engaged and on the immediate road to marriage. If you do get engaged don't waste a bunch of money getting into debt over a wedding don't start your marriage out in debt.

9.      Try not to control situations or people, allow people to do things and figure it out on their own. Offer polite assistance if they don’t want it let them screw it up on their own.

10.   Do not assume a person wants to do what you do; explain you are going to do such and such and they are welcome to join? (Use when cleaning or working on projects; lead by example without controlling or pressuring)

11.   Don’t point out people’s negative traits instead learn creative ways to express your needs and how they can better accommodate you when they are falling short. (i.e. I really like it when you help me out it makes me feel like you care and are invested, I like it when you help clean then we can both relax, I like it when you are reciprocal it shows me you’re willing to work as a team and not take advantage which makes me want to be reciprocal also)

12.   Practice daily self-love and affirmations. What I think of myself, and how I act, is what other people will see. Be positive, think positive, do positive things to enrich your life, do not put yourself in degrading situations or places.

13.   Make great first impressions by always looking your best, having confidence, and build rapport treat them like your long lost best friend, get to know them personally by listening and asking questions, be genuinely interested. Mirror and repeat showing you are actually listening and understanding. Be the people you like to meet and love, be happy, energetic, positive, genuine, fun, exciting, and interesting.

14.   Be kind and empathetic, don’t swear, don’t bad mouth people, and never participate in gossip or negative speaking. Have respect for people more when they are not around. If someone talks of others like this they will turn around and do the same to you.

15.   Do not brag or be boastful of self or material things.

16.   Extend yourself out to people, build genuine and strong relationships, be there to listen and help.

17.   Go beyond your comfort zone to talk to and met new people.

18.   Deal with trust issues not everyone is the same, judge them for their actions not words.

19.   Have confidence, do things to rid insecurities.

20.   Be playful and humorous, enjoy life, and don’t be too serious.

21.   Practice daily affirmations, meditation, spirituality, practice positive thinking.

22.   Get up early do yoga, exercise, walk/run the dog.

23.   Appreciate nature, smell the flowers, kick the leaves, breathe the air, enjoy the simple things of life.

24.   Find solitude in being alone do things for yourself to better yourself, read, groom, nap, don’t feel lonely.

25.   Find new hobbies, art, sports, volunteer, go to church, go to the library, or coffee shop.

26.   Do not go to bars, drink to excess or smoke, hung-over is not fun.

27.   Write in a journal, write poems, start a blog.

28.   Cook, bake, try new recipes, and share.

29.   Quit spending frivolously and start seriously saving.

30.   Turn the radio on instead of the TV.

Obsessive

Stop obsessing, over-analyzing, and worrying. Your brain left to it's own devices will run rampant. You control your thoughts, not vice versa. Your brain left untamed is like a child running around tirelessly, asking "Why?"

Complete

You are complete singularly, no one can complete you. Be whole you are not a half looking for your other half. You have to be whole before you can have wholesome. Have no fears. Be confident. Enjoy your life. Relax.

Art and Flowers and Me

I have painted this picture of myself dark, dreary, and abstract... Totally and completely false. People have hurt me, put me down, used me, walked all over me, and abused me. Like a flower I shall grow out of the dirt beautiful and stoic; proud of my many different colors with my face shining in the sun. I am worthy, good, and wholesome I just let your opinions matter when they shouldn't have. I must matter to me now...