Boundaries

"You must love yourself first before someone else can love you"

This saying means you have to have enough love for yourself to not accept anything less than amazing. Your love for yourself will teach people how to love you and what you deserve. When you love yourself you are perfect and fine singularly alone, you are whole, you are one. Until your love for self outweighs the bullshit you will continue to accept less, you are stronger, better, and worth way more. If you are having doubts, or negative feelings, check them against the measure of your own self-worth... What do you deserve? Draw that line and make it high!

Manipulators and users don't think of anything but their own means to an end. Setting personal boundaries and knowing when to say "No." is your power and right. Use it to protect yourself from being used and abused. Set your limits; know what you can and absolutely cannot accept, then strictly enforce it. Sometimes, you have to be strong for yourself and what you stand for even if that means walking your own path. Only you can allow/feel what you accept; respect yourself enough to demand that other’s respect you. If they cannot respect your boundaries then are they even worth it? If they are acting badly then they are obviously ok with their own bad behavior, or they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Calling them out on what they do is a waste of time and effort. Remember, they are the only one’s responsible for themselves; you cannot change people. Simply get up, say nothing, and walk away. Sometimes, that is all some people deserve; especially yourself, keep your dignity don’t be tempted to stoop to their level that is what they want so they can then deflect it back on you. Do not absorb the bullshit and never lower yourself for other people who just can’t get it. You are worth more and better than that, trust your intuition.

Humility, humanity, and humble

I am sick of people making gossip a conversation. Judging others and placing labels. Better than and holier than thou. In all truth your weakness is in the your inability to be humble, compassionate, and tolerant. Who taught you this behavior was ok? Shame on them and shame on you. I will no longer feed into your negative vortex. I will choose to remain silent and simply walk away. 

I have slowly started to realize that I have either become too sensitive or intolerant to other people's negativity. In life we learn defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from harm; I feel I have become trapped to this conditioning of self. We learn from those we know, especially those we love; starting at a very young age. If we are negatively influenced or hurt by those we care about it changes the fabric of our identity and how we interact with the world. We create our own "issues". I have learned that "I love you" and "Trust me" are all too often said as a compulsive act, without meaning; sometimes it is a complete lie. We learn to hide our feelings and who we truly are because of fear. I am sick of protecting myself from selfish hurtful people. I am sick of negativity; feeding into it because it has be come the norm. People gossip and talk behind each other's back; stabbing them while they are there. People defend their bad behavior pushing their judgements on one another "Don't you agree?" People no longer have substance or authenticity; relationships are hollow and the people in them are shallow. 

I will no longer participate in gossip, labeling, judging, or any negativity. Fighting is a waste of time and only perpetuates the negative cycle. People are ok with their behavior or they wouldn't be doing it. Sadly, I have to try to learn to teach myself to not be afraid of love, of making friends, putting myself out there, being generous and helpful. I don't want to limit myself and being a good person because there are so many takers and users; stop being so selfish. 

How many people are lost in the wash because of our own negative behavior. It is time to cleanse our souls; return to the age of innocence, purity, love and compassion. We do not start out like this we unfortunately learn from our environment; think of the things you have learned and how you use defense mechanism to protect yourself from truly getting close to other people. Take time everyday to go beyond your comfort zone and put yourself out there, be kind, tolerant, helpful, generous, loving... 

Disenchanted

Wouldn't it be nice when you got into a relationship with someone you didn't have to think, worry, overanalyze... That you could simply have faith when they say "I love you" that they actually mean it. To have faith that they don't have an ulterior motive or an agenda. That your not simply there to placate and pacify; your not a stepping stone or some other means to another end. Everyone is so fucked up looking for the next best thing, the instant gratification, the spot light and attention with our selfies and social media. All these insecure creatures seeking hopelessly for what we can't have instead of what we've got. Nothing is ever good enough; when we ourselves aren't enough. Slowly our spirits are breaking, as our hearts and souls become disenchanted and disillusioned by one another. Be true, be kind, have respect; when you love someone go all in otherwise what's the point, GTFO. It's unfair to the person who doesn't get to make the choice whether they would put up with your devious behavior and games because it is unbeknownst to them. Quit dragging people down into your bullshit, no one asks to be lied to, cheated on, manipulated, and hurt.

Arguing

The easiest way to win an argument is to simply refuse to participate. This forces the other person to actually think about why they are upset. Instead of adding fuel to their fire you might try saying “I refuse to argue with you but I will definitely work to make things better, if you are willing to communicate with me. Maybe you need 10 minutes to gather your thoughts…” backing off is like putting a mirror or spotlight on the negative behavior without encouraging it. When people get angry they often react irrationally without thinking of the long-term ramifications because they are in the heat of the moment and aggravated. Allowing someone to cool down often defuses the situation and/or allows you to approach the actual issues in a sensible calmer mature way. Anger is always a by-product of other underlying emotions figuring out what the actual triggers are underneath the anger allows you to address the actual issues, not the reaction itself. Otherwise arguing is simply pointless and a waste of your breathe and time. There are always two sides to any story and we all know what assuming makes us, not everyone thinks exactly the same. In any relationship there is bound to be disagreements and misunderstandings, allowing yourself to sensibly rationalize the truth and reality of the situation is integral to cultivate growth, compromise, and understanding.

What was I thinking?

After settling and lowering yourself to be in a relationship with someone who cannot and will not live up to your expectations we often look back and think "What was I thinking?" good thing is you live and you hopefully learn. The initial pain eventually goes away and when it does you realize how stupid you were, and you truly see your ex for who they really are. Hence, the saying love is blind. Just because our love, feelings, and intentions are genuine doesn't guarantee the person you are with shares the same intentions or moral values. It is a losing battle trying to change someone. If the person is ok with how they are behaving enough to disregard you in the first place then they are unworthy of your returned respect in that same exact regard. The first thing you might think is eye for an eye, teach 'em a lesson, but retaliation is just manipulating them to stay while lowering yourself to their level, and most likely only prolonging your agony. When someone cannot find it within themselves to respect you, you have to take it at face value and walk away if the situation deems fit. No matter the words they say. Don't make yourself a doormat you have the right to be selective and put the wrong people back on the curb. Don't beat yourself up and dwell on the hurt, learn from it and choose better companions by figuring them out before you emotionally invest yourself. Quit settling for less and hurting for what you didn't deserve.

Control

When you are in a healthy loving stable relationship you shouldn't have to control your partners actions. If they truly love you they should act accordingly. There are so many new factors ruining relationships, social media, internet, cell phones. If you are in a relationship it is not ok to be on dating websites, to flirt on any platform, or to hit on other people in a bar that is called emotional cheating.  Like a gateway drug people get lured into the quick fix of the attention but it is all very detrimental to you in the long run. How do expect to maintain a relationship with one hand in the cookie jar? Relationships are hard enough as it is. Save us all the pain and stay out of a relationship if you can't own up to your own actions and behaviors. If you would be embarrassed explaining why your relationship failed to your grandmother, don't do it!

Drama

"Drama doesn't just walk into your life out of nowhere; either you create it, invite it, or associate with it."

Some people just can't help but drag you into their bullshit and drama, they can't fix their own problems or themselves because they are weak excuses for human beings. Everything they touch or do gets fucked up. They cannot and will not accept any responsibility for their own ability to change and grow, remaining stuck in a perpetual cycle of drama and issues. Until these people truly stop looking externally for an excuse and start owning their problems only then will they be able to grow and change. They will remain immature and uneducated and further unable to face and fix their own problems. Like a tornado sucking everything in wreaking havoc their problems compound and grow upon themselves spewing out on to anyone that happens to cross their path. Facing themselves and truly looking into the mirror is beyond comprehension because the easy way out is well easy. Unfortunately, the only way is to face one's problems is not to run away from it or blame it on anyone else, and least of all put your problems on someone else. You must learn to be able to dig yourself out, be self-reliant, and self-sufficient. 

Catch-22

There comes a time when you stop putting up with other people’s bullshit. Some people just can’t see things from your perspective because they are too busy with their own inner turmoil. No matter what you are going to be the asshole for sticking up for yourself and calling people out, I am sorry having boundaries and expectations makes me a complete and utterly fucked up individual, that admitting my feelings and insecurities eventually means they will be used against me. Some people will fail you simply because they are also afraid. It is truly sad when we have to build up walls and defense mechanisms to push people out to protect ourselves from being hurt by each other, when in all honesty we all want the same things but are too damaged to know how to go about getting them. We harden ourselves and perpetuate a cycle that descends down the rabbit hole. Wanting and holding onto things in a forever changing and evolving world is just a fabricated lie proved true with time.

Jealousy

Jealousy is like a vice grip squeezing the love and joy out of our relationships; it's like squeezing a burning coal hoping for a diamond.

Jealousy perpetuates the situations that which we fear. If someone is making you insecure you need to evaluate if it is justified or not, if it is get out. If not you will eventually bring upon yourself that which you fear like a self-inflicting wound. You have to know that you are deserving of the best. If the person you are with is not giving you that you have the choice to get out or deal with it. If you have confidence in yourself you will inevitably be more attractive; rather than being insecure, jealous, and controlling. If the person is going to do you harm, they are going to do it no matter how you try to control the situation that is on them so proving they are unworthy of your love anyways. Why worry unnecessarily about something that hasn't happened? Be secure, be outgoing, focus your life on yourself. Not everything can be controlled don't perpetuate bad situations.

Takers

Some people will bleed you dry. Take and take, with no regard. Asking of you what is beyond reason without limits, remorse, or thought. They cannot see anything past their own needs. You are simply a means to an end. They do not appreciate anything and will never repay you your kindnesses. They are entitled without earning it. They don't owe you anything, the world owes them.

Association with people like this guarantees you to be used and abused. They have week morals and no sense of self or respect, no conscious to keep them in check. You are not like these people. Do not lower yourself to their level, you are a better person than they can ever be worthy of. Remember your path, and walk it. Never be afraid to stand tall and stick up for yourself. These people have no boundaries, build your's strong and resilient. People who abuse your kindness aren't deserving of it. If you always have to put up your guard to protect yourself, it is easier to simply cut them out/off; that is the only thing they truly deserve from you. Enabling them is an injustice one which they will never learn from.

Where is your Attention Wandering?

We cannot fully understand each other if we do not actively listen to each other. I must know what it is to be you, to walk in your shoes, to see from your perspective… without this comprehension I cannot fully understand your actions, reactions, and feelings. Nor can you understand me if I am not given that same amount of focus and respect. When I talk please take the time to really listen, to hear me, and empathize with what I am saying.When I talk imagine yourself as me, how would you feel if you were actually me? Often we are bumbling around fidgeting with gadgets distracted by the TV, radio, cell phones we often forget what is important our mere interactions with each other. Turn everything off including your mind and want to interrupt and interject, listen actively. For isn’t the most important things our relationships with each other? When we look back at our lives do we want to look at how we missed so much by placing our focus on the TV and other inanimate superficial things? I loathe to think all the wasted hours, days, weeks, months, years will have accumulated at the end of our lives on things so unimportant. Spend time listening to the people you love, know them, understand them, emphatically listen, you might find that AMAZING has been sitting right there next to you on the couch. No, TV show is going to ever give you that. Ever.

Labeling

Be wary of people who describe all their exs as being “crazy” or “psycho”, chances are they are the common denominator that made all of them act like that. When people are quick to label someone like this they aren’t taking any responsibility for their own involvement in the situations. Plus they are putting them in a situation to doubt their own being and their own emotions, as if they are in fact damaged. Unless, in fact all of these people do have mental illness then you have to question why this person got into the relationship with these types of individuals in the first place. Your next question should be to ask how their relationship was with their parents. What we attract in our love relationships are usually a direct reflection of what we experienced as a child. It seems we are either conditioned to think of the self or to think of others, selfish and narcissistic or giving and caring to a fault. These two types of people are intrinsically and polarly attracted to each other (opposites attract) unfortunately perpetuating a cycle of damaging relationships unbeknownst. Healthy relationships only happen when each individual themselves are healthy and able to maintain healthy personal boundaries and characteristics; being stable, holding down a job, developing personal growth. You must continue to grow and evolve as an individual to give your best self to the person whom you love, you are not in the relationship to make them better or to make yourself better. You are not a half seeking another half which equals a whole, that doesn't work; you have to be two wholes. Even though love can make you feel better/improved in the honeymoon stages you ultimately grow out of that within the first year. After that you have to work at yourself and at loving the individual you are with; their crazy emotions, flaws and all. To love you have to trust/be trust worthy, have faith/be faithful, be kind/accept kindness, be truthful/accept the truth… We have to actively listen and feel each other to understand each other’s needs. If we label and pass off the responsibility of acknowledging what someone is actually telling us we will never evolve ourselves as individuals who can maintain a healthy relationship. Everyone has issues it is how we choose to deal with them and learn from them and cope, this is where we find happiness and successful relationships. It might be necessary to undergo counseling to facilitate the basics of communication between man and women. Men are told to be tough, quit crying, and be a man. Women are told to do the dishes and nurture. Often these stereotypes play out without us even knowing we are doing it, it is so engrained into our being. These days we are trying to break the mold but that makes it even more complicated, we are all falling short; maybe it was easier when our roles and responsibilities were more clear cut and defined. In relationships men often regress to their teenage selves being taken care of by their mommies when they get past the honeymoon stage, they stop doing the things they did to court their woman. Women start facilitating them and enabling this behavior which should not be allowed. Men need to learn to listen and feel be The Man, women need to learn not to take care of people and bring upon themselves projections of other people’s opinions you are in fact not “crazy” or “psycho”. Roles can be reversed, every situation is different.To have a long and lasting relationship each partner must learn to actively compromise and listen, accepting their responsibilities to grow as an individual within a relationship and to acknowledge each other's feelings, wants, and desires. You have to be your best self individually acting as if the relationship is just a bonus to your life, not a crutch. You have to be willing to give up the labeling and actually own your part or you are doomed to relive the cycle over and over. What happens each time you fail, you are left again with only yourself. You have to pick up the pieces and relearn how to be you. If you did it the right way you would always be you, so spectacularly you that no one would want to leave you and if they did you would still be spectacular.

Your Inner Child

I want you to take a moment and visualize your inner child what does he/she look like? What condition are they in? What are they wearing? What is the expression on their face? What emotions are they displaying? Now ask it what does it need?

I want you to visualize yourself first hugging it and telling it “It is all going to be ok” repeatedly, as if it was your own child, while visualizing yourself actually giving it what it needs. As you give it what it needs ask yourself if as an adult if you can gratify these needs for your inner child? How do you feel now that you have given your inner child what it needs?

I want you to now realize whatever trauma or needs your inner child has it is now up to you as an adult to be able to provide yourself with these things, it is no longer the fault of our incapable parents or anyone else. You can see their wrongs and know that you are above doing those things perpetuating the negative cycle; you have experienced it, lived, and learned from it. We now have to take complete and total responsibility of our adult selves and our own personal/spiritual growth. We can no longer place the blame on our parents or the people who were supposed to love us we must release them of this and forge our own path to self-love. You and only you can give yourself what you need.

Your Perfect Self

Picture what you visualize as your most perfect self. What are you doing? What is your facial expression? What emotions are you emitting? What does seeing yourself like this make you feel?

Now get out a pen and paper and write down what exactly is holding you back from realizing your perfect self? Fear, insecurities, judgments, prejudices, inadequacies, worthlessness, shame, guilt? Now think of yourself 50 years from now what are you going to regret? Not realizing this perfect self and going outside of your boundaries, trying your limitations, and experiencing life? Don’t hold yourself back test your comfort zone, extend yourself, practice your will to work on yourself and actually DO IT! You have the control, use it!

Preconceived Notions and Past Experiences

Each and every one of us is unique and different in our own special ways. A lot of times we try to compartmentalize things by our past experiences and preconceived notions, we try to relate things to what we already know. This can be a detriment to actually seeing and experiencing this new person and their individuality. We go around assimilating somewhat familiar characteristics and actions with our prior experiences and memories. This is such a limiting behavior and most of us don’t even realize we are doing it. How often do we try to fit together puzzle pieces when we first meet someone we say “Oh, I have done that” or “Oh, I know someone like that too” subconsciously we categorize these people which also crosses back and forth with our past. Isn’t this unfair to the new people we meet? I know I don’t want to be compartmentalized or to have someone meet me with a preconceived notion of who my true self is by what they have experienced in their past. You know what they say about assuming; let’s not assume that “all men” or “all women” or this type or that type are “all the same” it is statistically impossible. We are all so different and unique that doing this only limits our ability to see people for who they really are. We have to keep the awe, the wow, the new, and the wonder of each experience and person we meet to truly see it for what it is and experience it to the fullest.

Flaws and All

"The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends" Nietzsche

We must all learn an acceptable level of tolerance of the people we love and the people who aggravate us. We cannot take upon ourselves the negativeness of others. We must learn to be above that, to live in compassion, kindness, understanding, and empathy. No person is perfect we all have flaws and faults, imperfections and insecurities. We cannot allow ourselves to perpetuate the cycle of negativity by feeding into it. Love conquers hate, hate perpetuates hate. If someone is meeting you with anger you have to realize that you don’t know their full story or the reasoning behind their current mood or situation, do not allow them to affect you or harm you, whatever they are experiencing is their life not yours. Find ways to feel sorry for them and possibly lift them up; this could be the one chance you have to make a positive impact in that person’s life changing the course of their day, week, or life... how simply miraculous is that?